“Typical”, you might think, since I’ve got quite a checkered past with my blogging.
But it’s because I have had nothing but four letter words to say lately because of my latest knitting project, also known as “THIS GODDAMN THING!!!”.
It’s probably because I took my eye off the prize (making Christmas gifts for friends and family) and decided to be terrible and selfish by making myself a sweater. Karma, it would seem, presented itself in the form of a knitting pattern. Specifically, Vogue Knitting Fall 2011’s #25 Ribbed Yolk Topper.
At first, things were moving along just fine. I’d heard warning from knitting guru Allyson over at Sweatshop of Love that the front increases and decreases were written incorrectly. Grateful for the heads up, I decided to knit the ribbed inserts first so I could make sure the front shaping was coming out correctly.
That ribbed insert was a doozy. When I say I’m a knitter, what I actually mean is that I’m a professional follower-of-directions. Patterns tell you what to do, step by step, and you get the amazing products I’ve featured on this blog. Seriously, I’m super great at reading directions.
So, when the directions are off… this sends me into a tailspin. And the directions on this ribbed insert? They were off. Row 4 has this funny statement “2 st. incr”. This abbreviation stands for “Two stitches increased”. Perhaps this is a more advanced pattern than I’m used to, but there is nothing on this line that says I’m supposed to increase the number of stitches on this row. Maybe this pattern is so fancy, it’s just telling me “by the way, two rows down, you increased stitches. you’ll be knitting into them now – heads up, young lady!” So, that’s what I chose to believe. In point of fact, I just flat out ignored that mess because I didn’t understand what they were saying. For once, this strategy worked out for me (PRO TIP: usually, it just makes things worse) and I was given a somewhat recognizable insert.
Now, the pattern tells me “Do all that stuff, but reverse it. I will not write it out for you, because I am in Vogue and am too chic and busy to hold your hand through these pitiful details.” It says it to me in this REALLY condescending accent that I do not appreciate. Screw you, Vogue. So, I press on:
|Dude, you’re gettin’ a Dell (box in your picture)|
|More poor photography, comin’ at ya|
Now, that thing on the right… that 2 inch strip hovering above the top of that insert… that shouldn’t be like that. I need to rip all that down and re-bind off the shoulder seams. And then start making some sleeves. And some button bands. And some pockets. Oh, and then I ran out of yarn, because I NEVER order enough the first time.
So that’s what I’ve been up to. Ripping out and re-making piece after piece of this damn sweater. It better look cute or, more likely, you all BETTER tell me it looks cute even if it ends up being a pile of thread I tape onto my torso. For I WILL not have it, Bert. You hear me Vogue Knitting? I will NOT. HAVE. IT.